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a paraplegic walked into a barand everyone yelled,
Fraud !

a minimalist walked into a barHe died.
The end.

a masochist walked into a barten times.

helen keller walked into a bar

Don't Look Downdon’tlookdown
don’t look down
        don’t
                 look
                          down.

She’s hiding her heart behind the fortress walls
of her tightly compressed skin stretched over
her love starved skeleton; she’s begging for redemption.
She lives on leftover wishes that have been thrown
away and rejected by shallow girls who have it all.

don

i sold my heart to a physicianyou smell like crystal meth overdoses.
(not that i know what that smells like)
this is more than your overthecounter
tylenol prescription.  you're more than
a prescription (and i hate rhyming but)
you're an addiction, a malediction even.
a subscription to a magazine i wouldn't
read -- just stare at the pretty pictures.
stare at the pictures. become abducted
by jealousy. tear out my eyes. eat them.
tear out my mouth. eat it.  realise that's
absurd.  not care.  care.  not care. care.

not care. care not.  carry your picture
in my wallet.  the one where y

from inside my veins.i want to sing out of tune,
become undone, fly a giant
marshmallow to the moon;
i want to jump on a sponge
three miles long and a mile wide.
i want to speak in bubbles,
just to pop all the words i wish
i hadn't said.

because i'm allergic to the sound
of wind-chimes, sea-food, and the
coasts of france.
i'm dying to become someone, but i don't
think i have a chance.

so i will throw my beer caps away,
i'll light the warehouse all ablaze.
and maybe i could lay down in the grass,
maybe i could sleep beneath
the constellations, dream about
Achilles' heels, take a breath
and breathe out sunflowers.

oh, it could happen,
one of th

either i want you, or i don'tit's the cornerstone deskswap
kicking me back to square one
every time i pass a checkpoint,
a finish line, another either-or
statement. either you or me.

either you're in love
or i'm crazy (in love)

either you were totally looking at me
the other day when i was whispering
your name through my teeth, smiling
or i'm just imagining things. as usual.

either i'm your target goal
or something.

in any scenario,
i'd take the former.
but there's a bad chance
that there's a bad chance
that it's the latter.

A Chemist Walked Into A Bar...And yelled at the bartender,
GIMME ALL THE C2H5OH YOU GOT!!

204 ways to start a letter -C?1) dear boy, fuck you.
2) dear girl, i'm not a hooker !
3) dear mom, i'm not a porn star
4) dear jenna jameson, magazines beg to differ
5) "Dear dad, I'm a hooker but i prefer fake sex."
6) "Dear Senator, I'm a transvestite."
7) "Dear lampost, you look so bright tonight.."
8) dear mom, i prefer the term filmed sex enthusiast
9) Dear Santa, bring me Jensen Ackles. ktnxbai
10) Dear Cameraman, my ass looks better from THAT angle
11) Dear Internet, I hate you. Love, The Newspaper
12) dear dad, i saw you schleping the babysitter last night. oops.
13) dear maria, count me in
14) "Dear zookeper, i swear to god, the horse s

one if by paper, two if by seai will compare you to a comparison
about me just so i can hear you say
"no one's ever said me that before"

i will fold you into an origami swan
and place you in my pocket just so i
never feel alone, never feel unloved.

i will kiss your paper cheeks,
smooth the creases, making a
new crimp. art. manipulation.

i will reform you into an airplane
and toss you into the river. one
more thing: i forgot to fuel you.

i will watch as you pretend
you can evolve into a boat,
and i will watch you drown.

Smile For The Crowd BabyYou bought me like a politician buys eager voters
With oily smiles and slick silken words
Pushing grit and grime through your professionally straightened ivory beads
Staining them grey with phrases like "you are beautiful" and "we are timeless"
I will connect the dots on your freckled knees
Bound them together with my interpretation of Orion's belt so that when you try to stand you will fall to the floor and land splayed across the tiles of my cloudless sky
You will fight to be free but I will simply mirror your governor's smile back at you and tighten the buckle
My words will not be mud pushed through my sharpened teeth but instead th

The Cake Is A Liebut the bacon is not.
the bacon
is never
a lie.

pneumonia is heartbreaks twini) scrawled a laundry list of everything i want for christmas
and the new year
and my next 34 birthdays
and every holiday in the dictionary

they all rhyme with either
must,
or
apart,
or
never,

but mostly i want to open a specially gift-wrapped pronoun
to love and to hold, to cherish and other typical weddingvowbullshit;

we'd watch leaves fall during chinese autumns,
and watch sunflowers blossom during french springs.
in summer we'd go surfing at californian beaches,
and in winter we'd go sk

ii) ng through canadian mountains.

even from african grasslands to italian canals,
i would still cherish the pronoun.
to the fields of

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Cpt. Obvious walks into a bar

by $Thunderstatement, Nov 29, 2009, 2:11:47 PM
Literature / Poetry / Humor / Free Verse

He drinks.
Duh.

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Cpt. Obvious walks into a barby $Thunderstatement

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Inspired by a minimalist walked into a bar by ~ChloroformBoy

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Submitted on: November 29, 2009
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Mood: Humor

~DieNoob Feb 5, 2013 General Artist

AHahahahahaahaah

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~maakumbe Jan 19, 2013

???

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Mood: Wow!

~TwentyfootAngels Aug 24, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

SO DEEP!!!

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*jennystokes Jan 10, 2012 Professional General Artist

NO! He picks up a bird!

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~MUMEPR Dec 30, 2011

Cool story, bro!

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!OhYeahFlan May 15, 2011

BEST STORY EVER

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~BlackSheepRising Mar 19, 2011 Student Digital Artist

Hot damn that's funny.

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!soda-with-cyanide Mar 15, 2011 Student General Artist

Simple like good morning, yet funny like... whatever makes you laugh till your cheeks and stomach hurts!

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*Diesel74656 Sep 26, 2010 Student Photographer

Witzig.

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